Sunday, February 28, 2010

Cupcakes, Whacks and Ice Cream

In case you haven't caught on, I've been thinking a lot about about time machines lately. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because going back to a different time seems more interesting than going forward with my 21st century life at the moment.

Last weekend I was talking with my cousin and best friend Mikyla about the need to travel through centuries, and she said something that made me think:

"If I had a time machine, I would go whack Aristotle on the head."

While I personally have nothing against Aristotle, the concept of being able to travel through history doling out whacks on the head to people I think are silly was strangely exciting. Over the past week I've been contemplating the issue, and "who in history would you like to whack" has become my favourite hypothetical question to ask people.

Mikyla and I also came up with a system of benevolence to reward the historical figures we admired or felt sorry for. Those we think are awesome, we would give cupcakes. Those we feel pity for, we would take out for ice cream.

So here is my final list of those I would like to give a cupcake, those I would take out for ice cream, and those I would dearly love to whack on the head.

NOTE: Most people who read this blog know that my religious views would suggest that this list be narrowed down to certain people. However, to keep this blog from becoming a religious rant, I've just left my religious heroes out.

I would give cupcakes to . . .
1. Johannes Gutenberg
2. Abbott Suger - developed Gothic architecture
3. Martin Luther
4. Michelangelo
5. Louis Sullivan - I'd also tell him I prefer him to Frank Lloyd Wright
6. Elizabeth Gaskell
7. The peasants in France right before the revolution. After all, Marie Antoinette did say she wanted them to have cake.
8. C. S. Lewis - and hopefully he would invite me for tea.
9. Nellie Bly
10. Jean-Francois Millet

I would like to whack . . .
1. King Henry VIII
2. Eleanor of Acquitaine
3. Peter the Hermit - I'd also whack a lot of his crusader friends while I was there.
4. Emily Bronte
5. Heinrich Himmler
6. Marie Antoinette
7. Johann Tetzel - although I'd like to see if he really was as persuasive a speaker as they say. Maybe I'd listen to his indulgences ad campaign and then whack him.
8. Christopher Columbus
9. James Dean - I've always found him irritating.
10. Adolf Loos - I'm sorry, but anyone who thinks ornament is a portrayal of deceit, degeneracy and immorality needs to be whacked on the head.

I would take out for ice cream . . .
1. Lady Jane Grey
2. Artemesia Gentilesci - artist tortured for claiming her master raped her.
3. Joan of Arc
4. John F. Kennedy
5. Corrie ten Boom - and I mainly picked her because Anne Frank has more screen time, but maybe I'd also consider little girls in this era who did not have their stories become bestsellers.
6. All those architects who had their work credited as Frank lloyd Wright's.
7. Margaret MacDonald - the architect who's husband was credited with most of her work.
8. Hatshepsut - I actually waver on this one. I pity someone who has themselves depicted as a man in sculptures so they can be accepted, but I may also be tempted to whack her and say, "You idiot, why would you marry your own stepson?"
9. Vincent Van Gogh
10. Catherine of Aragon - Henry VIII first wife


Katey said...

Now I'm curious-who are the religious heroes that make your list?
No cupcake for Gilbert and Sullivan?

Katey said...

Also, just wondering what Columbus did to incur your wrath, and I also wish to quibble about giving to ice cream to JFK. True, he handled the Cuban Missile Crisis rather well, and it is a shame he was assasinated, but I do not have much sympathy for philanderers. If you must, give the man a Creamsicle. But no double scooped waffle cone dipped in chocolate from me.

reddy said...

Columbus is just an idiot. Why would you think that this is India? Not to mention his mislabeling of the aboriginals has led to the strong endorsement of the need for politically correct names. Curses.

And as for JFK, I like him, and he was cut off before he could do much good. I would give him a double scoop. If you like, make your own list and do whatever you like.